"Squawks" are problem listings
that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next
flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the
replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
As a crowded airliner is about to
take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that
moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.
An airline captain was breaking
in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed
the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she
cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it
that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
All of these pilot and aviation
jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During
class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid
first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
A blonde went to a flight school
insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were
currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to
pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it
and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love
it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The
instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was
going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can
barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he
got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least
watch.
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.
I said "Hi Jack."
He shot me.
The most dangerous organization in America today is:
a) The KKK
b) The American Nazi Party
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage
handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you
ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know
and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut
up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10
different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a
form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel
of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and
off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder
and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before
you crash.
Occasionally, airline attendants
make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always
worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly
every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd
be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an
actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together
traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the
five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This
world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed
a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
In the early 1930's, a farmer and
his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and
asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride
will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they
landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for
not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Two blondes were flying to Miami
from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced
"One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer.
But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed
and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two
engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the
flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine
left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is
your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you
that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the
local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new
commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
Flight fifty has a pretty rough
time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies
and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions.
We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle
as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies
like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
It was a few days before
Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back
home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and
loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas
carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going
to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase
with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder
parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that
could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
At the airport for a business
trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We
apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from
Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would
in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original
gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke
again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
